Sunday, December 21, 2008

Dearth of Spirit

December has been a sorry, sorry month for us. I went to Daytona, spent time with my godmother(that was refreshing) but then...Manic episode after manic episode(not me, him).

I have managed to get all the required shopping and wrapping done.

Cards: bought but not signed and sent

Tree: lighted and garlanded (I reserve the right to make any word into a verb), but not ornamented.

Other assorted decorations: still in the attic

Christmas dishes: out but not washed(still in packing box in the cleaned out corner of shame)

Table linens: I am, right now, trying to vaguely remember where I shoved them last year.

I should be excitedly planning my menu, finding a new holiday recipe to try...nope, I'm not feeling it... any of it.

I want to start by saying, I know mental health is a "work in progress" kind of thing and a waiting game with the meds, to find the right combination. Sometimes I get so frustrated with him, he flatly refuses to see a mental health professional(MHP), he is satisfied with his GP managing the meds. Sad thing is, his mental condition is starting to affect mine. I've had 2 anxiety attacks from worrying about him when hes manic, (I start shaking uncontrollably, get nauseous, and this prickly almost feverish feeling on the back of my neck). At what point does this circle get stupid? I'm considering going to my Dr to get a 'script for the anxiety attacks(we wont be any good to the kids if we're both crazy), but I don't want to, I've never had an anxiety attack before! Damn it, I wouldn't have the attacks if I wasn't so worried about him, and I wouldn't worry if he got his stuff together and went to a MHP, I think we've already reached stupid. I'm pushing the MHP because his GP didn't know that the anti-depressant he put JJ on can increase manic episodes in individuals who have tendencies toward them. I'm considering calling in the "big guns" (his older sisters) but I want to wait until after Christmas to tell them how bad things have gotten, I think, perhaps, this is why I'm not feelin' the Christmas spirit, my head's not right...

Tuesday, December 2, 2008


Daytona International Speedway.
Have I told you about that yet?
Oh... well... sorry 'bout that...I work there sometimes.
Not a race fan, just a spectator.
Proud to be a part of something that huge.
Goin' tomorrow to Titusville, gonna stay(and visit with) my Godmother.
Thursday driving up to Daytona, to train at the speedway.
All access, all zones, nowhere I cant go (except the pits when they're"hot") cool is that!

Monday, December 1, 2008


Time flies.

November has been difficult.

I finally think life is starting to swing upwards.

Very shortly after my last post, I contracted a very evil flu. I have no idea when I last spent 2 whole days in bed, definitely pre-parenthood. JJ is a fantabulous caretaker, he took such good care of me. Cold pills on the 4 hour mark, including a hot toddy with the 8 P.M. meds! I finally resurfaced this weekend, 8 days of feeling like mashed crap with a side of yuck.

Saturday I cleaned out my corner of shame, still a work in progress, but at least, started. I got 2 huge bags out of it, one trash and one to Goodwill.

Sunday I cooked Thanksgiving dinner that was supposed to be on Friday (I worked Thursday). It was really good, I can't believe I've never roasted a turkey before! We usually deep fry, 10 years we've been deep frying. I actually made turkey for real, not from a packet or jar! I just took the stuff from the bottom of the pan and magically turned it into gravy...gravy that tasted good!(I made Blake test it 3 or 4 times before I'd admit it really was edible).

Life continues, I'm looking forward to the holidays with a new sense of appreciation for what I have, what we have survived this year(together) and with a renewed spirituality (oh, and depression meds that work).

I'm looking forward to the new year, even including the waning years of teenage angst, college application and tuition angst, new drivers, job security, yada, yada, yada.

I'm looking forward hopefully, still believing, still communicating, still loving and appreciating the ever loving presence in our lives that keeps testing us, finding our faith strong.