Dearth of Spirit

December has been a sorry, sorry month for us. I went to Daytona, spent time with my godmother(that was refreshing) but then...Manic episode after manic episode(not me, him).

I have managed to get all the required shopping and wrapping done.

Cards: bought but not signed and sent

Tree: lighted and garlanded (I reserve the right to make any word into a verb), but not ornamented.

Other assorted decorations: still in the attic

Christmas dishes: out but not washed(still in packing box in the cleaned out corner of shame)

Table linens: I am, right now, trying to vaguely remember where I shoved them last year.

I should be excitedly planning my menu, finding a new holiday recipe to try...nope, I'm not feeling it... any of it.

I want to start by saying, I know mental health is a "work in progress" kind of thing and a waiting game with the meds, to find the right combination. Sometimes I get so frustrated with him, he flatly refuses to see a mental health professional(MHP), he is satisfied with his GP managing the meds. Sad thing is, his mental condition is starting to affect mine. I've had 2 anxiety attacks from worrying about him when hes manic, (I start shaking uncontrollably, get nauseous, and this prickly almost feverish feeling on the back of my neck). At what point does this circle get stupid? I'm considering going to my Dr to get a 'script for the anxiety attacks(we wont be any good to the kids if we're both crazy), but I don't want to, I've never had an anxiety attack before! Damn it, I wouldn't have the attacks if I wasn't so worried about him, and I wouldn't worry if he got his stuff together and went to a MHP, I think we've already reached stupid. I'm pushing the MHP because his GP didn't know that the anti-depressant he put JJ on can increase manic episodes in individuals who have tendencies toward them. I'm considering calling in the "big guns" (his older sisters) but I want to wait until after Christmas to tell them how bad things have gotten, I think, perhaps, this is why I'm not feelin' the Christmas spirit, my head's not right...