Hi.
I'm here.
I spent some time writing another blog.
I hid from myself.
I found myself anyway.
It hurt.
I found myself anyway.
I like who I am.(most of the time)
I try to like myself all the time.
I'm living consciously.
Ever vigilant about the woman I am,
Compared to the woman I want to be.
I don't look back, regret is meaningless
Everyday is new...
Monday, July 5, 2010
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Life Altering
When is this crap gonna stop? Soon I hope. So far, nothing has been monumentally devastating, but I would like to settle into a lifestyle that has a duration of more than a few months at a time. Illness, job changes, illness, getting a new kid, marriage, losing the kid, and now more job changes(for me this time). Last night my Board of Commissioners decided to contract out dispatch to the County.
At 9:30(ish) last night, the motion was on the floor, the votes were being cast and my future was decided by 5 individual business people, elected to a volunteer position. Shortly, the details will be finalized and I will no longer be a 911 communications officer. I have been working 911 in this county for more than 18 years. I kinda feel odd when I think, I will, probably, never be the "calm during the storm" again.
Whereas, I am absolutely, completely and quite radically DONE with shift work, holidays, and mandatory overtime, I still find myself mourning the loss of a job that I can, not only, do in my sleep, but still find intriguing. A job that has evolved and morphed thru the years as technology has interposed itself on us. A job that has taught me infinite patience, an job that allows me the freedom to read, surf the Internet or even knit (if only I knew how), in my down time.
We (the 7 dispatchers left) were assured positions within the organization, and several divisions have reached out to me already. I'm intensely grateful to still be employed and able to continue being the purveyor of health insurance for my family. I look forward to the challenge of a new role in our newly independent district and finding a way to aid in the provision of public safety.
At 9:30(ish) last night, the motion was on the floor, the votes were being cast and my future was decided by 5 individual business people, elected to a volunteer position. Shortly, the details will be finalized and I will no longer be a 911 communications officer. I have been working 911 in this county for more than 18 years. I kinda feel odd when I think, I will, probably, never be the "calm during the storm" again.
Whereas, I am absolutely, completely and quite radically DONE with shift work, holidays, and mandatory overtime, I still find myself mourning the loss of a job that I can, not only, do in my sleep, but still find intriguing. A job that has evolved and morphed thru the years as technology has interposed itself on us. A job that has taught me infinite patience, an job that allows me the freedom to read, surf the Internet or even knit (if only I knew how), in my down time.
We (the 7 dispatchers left) were assured positions within the organization, and several divisions have reached out to me already. I'm intensely grateful to still be employed and able to continue being the purveyor of health insurance for my family. I look forward to the challenge of a new role in our newly independent district and finding a way to aid in the provision of public safety.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Ahhhh, Good Riddance 2008
2008 stunk! I've been struggling for the last few days to come up with something positive to say about 2008, and I've finally decided the most positive thing about 2008 is...it's over and done. '08 turned out to be "the year of things that should have been fabulous but turned out sucky". I'm wiping my hands of it, patting off my clothes and shaking out my hair.
I started writing about all those things, things that should have been good but actually fell short of our/my expectations, and I decided to let it all go. I deleted 2 whole paragraphs and it was actually therapeutic! I've been mulling them over in my head lately and hadn't realized that they were starting to "re- drag" me down.
2009! Full of promise, full of new milestones to reach, new opportunities both offered to and made for myself, new friends to make, loved ones to re-connect with, relationships to be strengthened. This years resolution is an easy one...never make another resolution! I am who I am, and as I get to know myself, I'm learning that I'm an overwhelming Lazy-ass. I'm okay with The Lazy-ass Syndrome regarding most facets of my life (If I leave the laundry long enough, maybe The Husband will get manic...huh? huh? it could happen again) 2009 is gonna be the start of taking care of me, I dont want to be lazy about my health any more, I want to feel good and I want to look hot! This really isn't a resolution, it just happened to come up at this time of year. Let me explain...
We've had a family membership at the YMCA for years, I've used it sporadically. I dont have the self motivation to just go and do the exercises on my own (Lazy-ass?). I like to take classes, but my Y only had 1 aerobics room and never had classes after 6pm, they used the room for youth activities in the evening. I could never get into a routine because with my work schedule, I could only go every other week as I work 7am to 7 pm six days out of seven one week and have six out of seven off the next( dont ask me to do anything on my one day off that week...I'm a Lazy-ass looking for excuses...remember?).
Now my Y has expanded (grand opening last week just in time for the new year, hmmm, go figure), we now have 2 activitiy rooms plus a spinning classroom, I asked for a schedule of classes and was delighted (kinda) to see they have added a 7:45pm "30 min stretch and tone" class and 7:15 spinning classes. My Lame-ass/Lazy-ass excuses have been destroyed...This year I wanna buy both top and bottom of a bikini, not just the top and a cute pair of board shorts. I knew about the Y expansion and was looking forward to taking charge of The Lazy in me, but I thought I had 'til March before it opened...
I started writing about all those things, things that should have been good but actually fell short of our/my expectations, and I decided to let it all go. I deleted 2 whole paragraphs and it was actually therapeutic! I've been mulling them over in my head lately and hadn't realized that they were starting to "re- drag" me down.
2009! Full of promise, full of new milestones to reach, new opportunities both offered to and made for myself, new friends to make, loved ones to re-connect with, relationships to be strengthened. This years resolution is an easy one...never make another resolution! I am who I am, and as I get to know myself, I'm learning that I'm an overwhelming Lazy-ass. I'm okay with The Lazy-ass Syndrome regarding most facets of my life (If I leave the laundry long enough, maybe The Husband will get manic...huh? huh? it could happen again) 2009 is gonna be the start of taking care of me, I dont want to be lazy about my health any more, I want to feel good and I want to look hot! This really isn't a resolution, it just happened to come up at this time of year. Let me explain...
We've had a family membership at the YMCA for years, I've used it sporadically. I dont have the self motivation to just go and do the exercises on my own (Lazy-ass?). I like to take classes, but my Y only had 1 aerobics room and never had classes after 6pm, they used the room for youth activities in the evening. I could never get into a routine because with my work schedule, I could only go every other week as I work 7am to 7 pm six days out of seven one week and have six out of seven off the next( dont ask me to do anything on my one day off that week...I'm a Lazy-ass looking for excuses...remember?).
Now my Y has expanded (grand opening last week just in time for the new year, hmmm, go figure), we now have 2 activitiy rooms plus a spinning classroom, I asked for a schedule of classes and was delighted (kinda) to see they have added a 7:45pm "30 min stretch and tone" class and 7:15 spinning classes. My Lame-ass/Lazy-ass excuses have been destroyed...This year I wanna buy both top and bottom of a bikini, not just the top and a cute pair of board shorts. I knew about the Y expansion and was looking forward to taking charge of The Lazy in me, but I thought I had 'til March before it opened...
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Dearth of Spirit
December has been a sorry, sorry month for us. I went to Daytona, spent time with my godmother(that was refreshing) but then...Manic episode after manic episode(not me, him).
I have managed to get all the required shopping and wrapping done.
Cards: bought but not signed and sent
Tree: lighted and garlanded (I reserve the right to make any word into a verb), but not ornamented.
Other assorted decorations: still in the attic
Christmas dishes: out but not washed(still in packing box in the cleaned out corner of shame)
Table linens: I am, right now, trying to vaguely remember where I shoved them last year.
I should be excitedly planning my menu, finding a new holiday recipe to try...nope, I'm not feeling it... any of it.
I want to start by saying, I know mental health is a "work in progress" kind of thing and a waiting game with the meds, to find the right combination. Sometimes I get so frustrated with him, he flatly refuses to see a mental health professional(MHP), he is satisfied with his GP managing the meds. Sad thing is, his mental condition is starting to affect mine. I've had 2 anxiety attacks from worrying about him when hes manic, (I start shaking uncontrollably, get nauseous, and this prickly almost feverish feeling on the back of my neck). At what point does this circle get stupid? I'm considering going to my Dr to get a 'script for the anxiety attacks(we wont be any good to the kids if we're both crazy), but I don't want to, I've never had an anxiety attack before! Damn it, I wouldn't have the attacks if I wasn't so worried about him, and I wouldn't worry if he got his stuff together and went to a MHP, I think we've already reached stupid. I'm pushing the MHP because his GP didn't know that the anti-depressant he put JJ on can increase manic episodes in individuals who have tendencies toward them. I'm considering calling in the "big guns" (his older sisters) but I want to wait until after Christmas to tell them how bad things have gotten, I think, perhaps, this is why I'm not feelin' the Christmas spirit, my head's not right...
I have managed to get all the required shopping and wrapping done.
Cards: bought but not signed and sent
Tree: lighted and garlanded (I reserve the right to make any word into a verb), but not ornamented.
Other assorted decorations: still in the attic
Christmas dishes: out but not washed(still in packing box in the cleaned out corner of shame)
Table linens: I am, right now, trying to vaguely remember where I shoved them last year.
I should be excitedly planning my menu, finding a new holiday recipe to try...nope, I'm not feeling it... any of it.
I want to start by saying, I know mental health is a "work in progress" kind of thing and a waiting game with the meds, to find the right combination. Sometimes I get so frustrated with him, he flatly refuses to see a mental health professional(MHP), he is satisfied with his GP managing the meds. Sad thing is, his mental condition is starting to affect mine. I've had 2 anxiety attacks from worrying about him when hes manic, (I start shaking uncontrollably, get nauseous, and this prickly almost feverish feeling on the back of my neck). At what point does this circle get stupid? I'm considering going to my Dr to get a 'script for the anxiety attacks(we wont be any good to the kids if we're both crazy), but I don't want to, I've never had an anxiety attack before! Damn it, I wouldn't have the attacks if I wasn't so worried about him, and I wouldn't worry if he got his stuff together and went to a MHP, I think we've already reached stupid. I'm pushing the MHP because his GP didn't know that the anti-depressant he put JJ on can increase manic episodes in individuals who have tendencies toward them. I'm considering calling in the "big guns" (his older sisters) but I want to wait until after Christmas to tell them how bad things have gotten, I think, perhaps, this is why I'm not feelin' the Christmas spirit, my head's not right...
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
DIS
Daytona International Speedway.
Have I told you about that yet?
Oh... well... sorry 'bout that...I work there sometimes.
Not a race fan, just a spectator.
Proud to be a part of something that huge.
Goin' tomorrow to Titusville, gonna stay(and visit with) my Godmother.
Thursday driving up to Daytona, to train at the speedway.
All access, all zones, nowhere I cant go (except the pits when they're"hot")...how cool is that!
Have I told you about that yet?
Oh... well... sorry 'bout that...I work there sometimes.
Not a race fan, just a spectator.
Proud to be a part of something that huge.
Goin' tomorrow to Titusville, gonna stay(and visit with) my Godmother.
Thursday driving up to Daytona, to train at the speedway.
All access, all zones, nowhere I cant go (except the pits when they're"hot")...how cool is that!
Monday, December 1, 2008
Wow
Time flies.
November has been difficult.
I finally think life is starting to swing upwards.
Very shortly after my last post, I contracted a very evil flu. I have no idea when I last spent 2 whole days in bed, definitely pre-parenthood. JJ is a fantabulous caretaker, he took such good care of me. Cold pills on the 4 hour mark, including a hot toddy with the 8 P.M. meds! I finally resurfaced this weekend, 8 days of feeling like mashed crap with a side of yuck.
Saturday I cleaned out my corner of shame, still a work in progress, but at least, started. I got 2 huge bags out of it, one trash and one to Goodwill.
Sunday I cooked Thanksgiving dinner that was supposed to be on Friday (I worked Thursday). It was really good, I can't believe I've never roasted a turkey before! We usually deep fry, 10 years we've been deep frying. I actually made turkey gravy...like for real, not from a packet or jar! I just took the stuff from the bottom of the pan and magically turned it into gravy...gravy that tasted good!(I made Blake test it 3 or 4 times before I'd admit it really was edible).
Life continues, I'm looking forward to the holidays with a new sense of appreciation for what I have, what we have survived this year(together) and with a renewed spirituality (oh, and depression meds that work).
I'm looking forward to the new year, even including the waning years of teenage angst, college application and tuition angst, new drivers, job security, yada, yada, yada.
I'm looking forward hopefully, still believing, still communicating, still loving and appreciating the ever loving presence in our lives that keeps testing us, finding our faith strong.
November has been difficult.
I finally think life is starting to swing upwards.
Very shortly after my last post, I contracted a very evil flu. I have no idea when I last spent 2 whole days in bed, definitely pre-parenthood. JJ is a fantabulous caretaker, he took such good care of me. Cold pills on the 4 hour mark, including a hot toddy with the 8 P.M. meds! I finally resurfaced this weekend, 8 days of feeling like mashed crap with a side of yuck.
Saturday I cleaned out my corner of shame, still a work in progress, but at least, started. I got 2 huge bags out of it, one trash and one to Goodwill.
Sunday I cooked Thanksgiving dinner that was supposed to be on Friday (I worked Thursday). It was really good, I can't believe I've never roasted a turkey before! We usually deep fry, 10 years we've been deep frying. I actually made turkey gravy...like for real, not from a packet or jar! I just took the stuff from the bottom of the pan and magically turned it into gravy...gravy that tasted good!(I made Blake test it 3 or 4 times before I'd admit it really was edible).
Life continues, I'm looking forward to the holidays with a new sense of appreciation for what I have, what we have survived this year(together) and with a renewed spirituality (oh, and depression meds that work).
I'm looking forward to the new year, even including the waning years of teenage angst, college application and tuition angst, new drivers, job security, yada, yada, yada.
I'm looking forward hopefully, still believing, still communicating, still loving and appreciating the ever loving presence in our lives that keeps testing us, finding our faith strong.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Overwhelming Sadness
I was preparing a fluffy post , bullet points of the silly thing that have happened around this place...
Remember that close knit group of girlfriends I told you Cat has? One of their boyfriends killed himself this afternoon...
I took the 911 call...
I had no idea...
16 years old...
Permanent solution to a temporary problem...
A neighbor heard a woman screaming and ran to help, he called 911 and could only tell me he was 16 and nobody there had seen him since the morning...
His Mother found him.....................
Remember that close knit group of girlfriends I told you Cat has? One of their boyfriends killed himself this afternoon...
I took the 911 call...
I had no idea...
16 years old...
Permanent solution to a temporary problem...
A neighbor heard a woman screaming and ran to help, he called 911 and could only tell me he was 16 and nobody there had seen him since the morning...
His Mother found him.....................
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)