Ahhhh, Good Riddance 2008

2008 stunk! I've been struggling for the last few days to come up with something positive to say about 2008, and I've finally decided the most positive thing about 2008 is...it's over and done. '08 turned out to be "the year of things that should have been fabulous but turned out sucky". I'm wiping my hands of it, patting off my clothes and shaking out my hair.

I started writing about all those things, things that should have been good but actually fell short of our/my expectations, and I decided to let it all go. I deleted 2 whole paragraphs and it was actually therapeutic! I've been mulling them over in my head lately and hadn't realized that they were starting to "re- drag" me down.

2009! Full of promise, full of new milestones to reach, new opportunities both offered to and made for myself, new friends to make, loved ones to re-connect with, relationships to be strengthened. This years resolution is an easy one...never make another resolution! I am who I am, and as I get to know myself, I'm learning that I'm an overwhelming Lazy-ass. I'm okay with The Lazy-ass Syndrome regarding most facets of my life (If I leave the laundry long enough, maybe The Husband will get manic...huh? huh? it could happen again) 2009 is gonna be the start of taking care of me, I dont want to be lazy about my health any more, I want to feel good and I want to look hot! This really isn't a resolution, it just happened to come up at this time of year. Let me explain...

We've had a family membership at the YMCA for years, I've used it sporadically. I dont have the self motivation to just go and do the exercises on my own (Lazy-ass?). I like to take classes, but my Y only had 1 aerobics room and never had classes after 6pm, they used the room for youth activities in the evening. I could never get into a routine because with my work schedule, I could only go every other week as I work 7am to 7 pm six days out of seven one week and have six out of seven off the next( dont ask me to do anything on my one day off that week...I'm a Lazy-ass looking for excuses...remember?).
Now my Y has expanded (grand opening last week just in time for the new year, hmmm, go figure), we now have 2 activitiy rooms plus a spinning classroom, I asked for a schedule of classes and was delighted (kinda) to see they have added a 7:45pm "30 min stretch and tone" class and 7:15 spinning classes. My Lame-ass/Lazy-ass excuses have been destroyed...This year I wanna buy both top and bottom of a bikini, not just the top and a cute pair of board shorts. I knew about the Y expansion and was looking forward to taking charge of The Lazy in me, but I thought I had 'til March before it opened...

Dearth of Spirit

December has been a sorry, sorry month for us. I went to Daytona, spent time with my godmother(that was refreshing) but then...Manic episode after manic episode(not me, him).

I have managed to get all the required shopping and wrapping done.

Cards: bought but not signed and sent

Tree: lighted and garlanded (I reserve the right to make any word into a verb), but not ornamented.

Other assorted decorations: still in the attic

Christmas dishes: out but not washed(still in packing box in the cleaned out corner of shame)

Table linens: I am, right now, trying to vaguely remember where I shoved them last year.

I should be excitedly planning my menu, finding a new holiday recipe to try...nope, I'm not feeling it... any of it.

I want to start by saying, I know mental health is a "work in progress" kind of thing and a waiting game with the meds, to find the right combination. Sometimes I get so frustrated with him, he flatly refuses to see a mental health professional(MHP), he is satisfied with his GP managing the meds. Sad thing is, his mental condition is starting to affect mine. I've had 2 anxiety attacks from worrying about him when hes manic, (I start shaking uncontrollably, get nauseous, and this prickly almost feverish feeling on the back of my neck). At what point does this circle get stupid? I'm considering going to my Dr to get a 'script for the anxiety attacks(we wont be any good to the kids if we're both crazy), but I don't want to, I've never had an anxiety attack before! Damn it, I wouldn't have the attacks if I wasn't so worried about him, and I wouldn't worry if he got his stuff together and went to a MHP, I think we've already reached stupid. I'm pushing the MHP because his GP didn't know that the anti-depressant he put JJ on can increase manic episodes in individuals who have tendencies toward them. I'm considering calling in the "big guns" (his older sisters) but I want to wait until after Christmas to tell them how bad things have gotten, I think, perhaps, this is why I'm not feelin' the Christmas spirit, my head's not right...

DIS

Daytona International Speedway.
Have I told you about that yet?
Oh... well... sorry 'bout that...I work there sometimes.
Not a race fan, just a spectator.
Proud to be a part of something that huge.
Goin' tomorrow to Titusville, gonna stay(and visit with) my Godmother.
Thursday driving up to Daytona, to train at the speedway.
All access, all zones, nowhere I cant go (except the pits when they're"hot")...how cool is that!

Wow

Time flies.

November has been difficult.

I finally think life is starting to swing upwards.

Very shortly after my last post, I contracted a very evil flu. I have no idea when I last spent 2 whole days in bed, definitely pre-parenthood. JJ is a fantabulous caretaker, he took such good care of me. Cold pills on the 4 hour mark, including a hot toddy with the 8 P.M. meds! I finally resurfaced this weekend, 8 days of feeling like mashed crap with a side of yuck.

Saturday I cleaned out my corner of shame, still a work in progress, but at least, started. I got 2 huge bags out of it, one trash and one to Goodwill.

Sunday I cooked Thanksgiving dinner that was supposed to be on Friday (I worked Thursday). It was really good, I can't believe I've never roasted a turkey before! We usually deep fry, 10 years we've been deep frying. I actually made turkey gravy...like for real, not from a packet or jar! I just took the stuff from the bottom of the pan and magically turned it into gravy...gravy that tasted good!(I made Blake test it 3 or 4 times before I'd admit it really was edible).

Life continues, I'm looking forward to the holidays with a new sense of appreciation for what I have, what we have survived this year(together) and with a renewed spirituality (oh, and depression meds that work).

I'm looking forward to the new year, even including the waning years of teenage angst, college application and tuition angst, new drivers, job security, yada, yada, yada.

I'm looking forward hopefully, still believing, still communicating, still loving and appreciating the ever loving presence in our lives that keeps testing us, finding our faith strong.

Overwhelming Sadness

I was preparing a fluffy post , bullet points of the silly thing that have happened around this place...
Remember that close knit group of girlfriends I told you Cat has? One of their boyfriends killed himself this afternoon...
I took the 911 call...
I had no idea...
16 years old...
Permanent solution to a temporary problem...
A neighbor heard a woman screaming and ran to help, he called 911 and could only tell me he was 16 and nobody there had seen him since the morning...
His Mother found him.....................

Sad Weekend

Its been a tough go of things this weekend...Sadly, my brood has been decreased by one. David turned 18 in September and had been struggling with rules and school. He decided to try to make a go of life on his own...



Well, um, actually, we had to kick him out. When he moved in here, I gave him 3 rules, pretty simple rules, rules that pretty much sum up most of the core values we are trying to instill in our children.



1- Nothing illegal



2 - No lying



3 - No physical anger (hitting, throwing things, slamming doors, etc)



I started to write that it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, tough love, yada, yada, yada, but actually... it was just the opposite, it was the easiest, most obvious answer. I wont bore you with the gory details, but to sum it up, we discovered that he broke rule number 1 and 2 again, with flagrant disregard to the safety, welfare and freedom of everybody else living in this house. (e-mail me if you're really curious about the details).



Throwing him out was easy, anger fueled me, protecting my young fueled me, I had no problem saying (very loudly, very firmly) "I'm done! You have put everything I care about, including yourself, at risk. We have given you chance after chance to do the right thing, I want you out by the weekend!". Later that evening, I made sure he had the number of our pastor if he needed a counselor and assured him of Pastor Jack's sensitivity and strict confidentiality.



The hard part came Friday evening. I came home from work and he was there, finishing up some of his laundry, he had packed a bag, he had asked to leave most of his stuff at our house until he could figure something out. (For now, he's staying at a friends house). My anger had cooled (but not my resolve), we asked him to Thanksgiving dinner, told him we cared about him, gave him a hug and said good-bye...it was the hardest thing I had to do. I cried after he left. Had I done the right thing? was I insuring, for him, the path his parents chose? Upon reflection, I'm still resolved and confident in my decision and JJ reassures me that my choice was the right one( and it was my overwhelming, vehement decision to do it). But still I find myself wishing he understood the rare chance to be a kid for a little while longer that he was given by us, the world is a cold, hard, scary place.

I desperately need to jump on this bandwagon. I hope it hasn't left without me!
I spent all week looking for the download cord for my camera 'cause the card reader on my el-cheapo laptop decided, suddenly, that it wouldn't read my card without formatting it first...uh, I think that would defeat the purpose of putting the card in there in the first place. I gave myself one last chance to get in on the contest, thinking for sure, it still wouldn't work (yea! I can put off the inevitable a little longer) ...sigh... alas, no. The card reader happily read my card, even finding pictures on it that I thought I had marked "delete after downloading". I believe the technological fates are conspiring against me...
Now, with excuses beaten down and a generous competition afoot, may I present my shame...

The picture at the top is the "public" view of my kitchen. This picture is the shame that hides behind the cluttered counter top...merely the tip of the iceberg...this is the stuff that has over flowed from the garage.

More to come later...my pantry, linen closet, and kitchen cupboards are next. I'm officially reclaiming my kitchen